Have you ever felt like everything you are doing is wrong?
Like, no matter what you say, it doesn’t matter?
I have been thinking a lot about these two feelings because this self doubt is something I have struggled with for many years. Now, these two feelings have many elements to them. These being: feeling that everyone has to like us, that everyone needs to be special in some way to us, questioning that everyone is in the right except us, giving up our own believes and thoughts because we believe and trust in what people say so deeply.
For many, many years I have wondered what I have been doing wrong… I have always questioned the situation instead of questioning the actions.
Over this past weekend, my team with our non-profit Play – Connect- Grow, traveled to Haiti to create plans for building playgrounds for kids in orphanages there. Now, I have been there a few other times, but this trip was to a different location. As we flew there, my heart was heavy and my thoughts were not in the right place to go do the work we needed to do. The work that actually has importance and meaning..
Then we landed.
I saw beautiful young children, young men and women, husbands, fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers… with nothing but the clothes on their backs and each other. I saw how they treated each other, the amount of concern they had for each other and their people.
And I thought to myself…my issues, my concerns with myself and others, do not matter.
They never did.
I remember waking up Sunday morning and going to a Haitian church, blessed with seeing how these people praised, worshiped, cried and forgave without thought. How their outlook on the world wasn’t about what is on the outside, but what is on the inside. The most beautiful part is, they understand our humanness, and our sameness.
Jesus said: “Those of you who are without sin, through the first stone”
And I thought to myself… “this is what is truly important…my issues, my mistakes, everything…were nothing compared to the amount of good that was being done here”
So I forgave myself.
Being able to forgive oneself is what I believe to be one of the hardest things for a person to do. Because only you, and you alone, know your heart. So why worry about what others say or think of you? The truth is… if you know your heart is and was in the right place, then that is all you can do. From there, it is out of your hands…so let it go with God.
Trust me this is WAY easier said than done, I personally care very much about what others think of me. It is very deeply rooted within my being. I know it will take time to change, yet, I also know that I have all the time in the world…and so do you.
So let this be a lesson that:
You WILL make mistakes, you will fall, you will scrape your knees, but there is always something or someone whose world you can change.
Now, your feelings do matter, I am not saying that they do not. We all have our own issues and they are neither better or worse than another individual. But, what can change… is the way you let it effect you. You can choose to let it consume your thoughts and everyone around you or channel it into something beautiful. Go give food to those who need it, message someone that you miss, pay for the person behind you, compliment someone.
Because its not about what you’ve done, but what you do to move forward from it.
Change takes time, its a process, trust it.