Have you ever sat down, maybe more than once, and wondered where it all went wrong? And as hard as you think about it, you cannot seem to pin point a single instance where you can clearly say: “ah hah, that was it”.

Well, you’re not alone. It got me thinking, how is it that these small steps that we take each day down the wrong path can eventually make such a unimaginable detriment in your life. On top of that, why, when we realize that path is the wrong one and back track, do we eventually veer down it again.

I️t had never really hit me hard until the right person came into my life to quite literally shock me into it.

Two words were said: acceptance and excuses.

Not two words I️ wanted to hear.

Mostly because I didn’t think I was accepting anything or making excuses for anything. I️ was COMPLETELY blind. Or, maybe chose to see, only what I️ thought I️ deserved to see.

It began at a young age, when I️ started accepting the lie that I️ was the way I️ “was”, it became an excuse to do things out of character. Also, by accepting the way I️ was treated by others. Which In turn lead to the belief that others opinions of who I️ was, were valid. So can you imagine? 8 years of excuses, self doubt, acceptance and lies? It’s a heavy weight, but one so easily bore.

I️ came to a pretty hard truth tonight. Actually, probably 5-10 min ago while I️ was thinking about someone I️ love.

And that is:

An action enabled by an excuse, even if subconscious. Is a decision.

To see this person, disappointed and hurt because of what I️ had been deciding to do, and the way I️ decided to see myself. Was devastating.

I️t caused me to begin peeling back all of the ick that I️ had allowed the world and myself to place on me. Kind of like the story of the dragon and the angry child. I️ had so much worldly and self caused pain, that I️ couldn’t recognize the woman that I️ am. And it took the words of a lion, a true brave and strong man, to pierce me with truth, to get me out. Or at least start.

The saying, “truth hurts”, could never be more correct.

It’s easier to look away when shown what you’ve become, rather than fight for who you truly are.

But don’t forget that with this type of pain, comes peace, and an overwhelming sense of clarity. Like, ripping of a bandaid, cleaning out the wound, and allowing it to heal. It hurts at first, but when you realize that you can start doing the things you love again because it’s healing…is incredible. And it all begins with a shift, in thought.

So stop looking in the mirror, at only the mess you’ve made. Close your eyes and go inside, because that’s where it has to start. You can only bear the weight of the dragon skin for so long.

Decide, to forgive yourself, and start over.

4 thoughts on “Past Tense – 11.14.17

  1. I like to refer to those as rationalization and justification, which when recognized are eye-opening. I like that you were open to listen to and hear the truth. I really am worth treating myself better, but, for me, it takes desperation to finally see

    Liked by 1 person

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